Well, it's been weeks since the fall. Physically, I'm getting better, but psychologically, I've bottomed out. Long-standing anxiety has taken over me and holds me prisoner. For weeks now, I've been whining about it and begging God to fix me. Perhaps he will, perhaps He will not.
Well, I'll say this, I don't believe it yet, but I'll say it. Perhaps God is using this suffering to bring Glory to Himself. If that is so, I've not glorified Him very much yet and I confess that. I have rebelled and kicked and screamed and basically cried out, "why me, Lord, why me?"
Max Lucado's book, It's Not about me, addresses this very issue. I've been reading it today. He reminds me that whether I believe it or not, it's not about me. I am not the center of God's universe, God is. If God chooses for me to continue as I am and have all my plans and dreams end, then that is for His glory - but also, it is because He loves me more than I love myself.
For the most part, my prayers have been about me and my healing. Oh, I've had the occasional prayer for some sick friends, more out of duty than anything else, but as for me, it's been, "heal me, God." Well, maybe He will and maybe He won't.
My prayer to all you reading this (so far, I've 0 comments) is that I would learn to glorify God in my suffering and let it be about His glory - and nothing more. He is sovereign and I can trust that. I want to believe this even as I write it and as I say, I don't feel or believe yet, but I need to want to.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Update 10/16/08
I have tried to eat a little more. I ate half an egg salad sandwich for supper. No supper the last 2 night, though.
The good news is a good report from Dr. Thornberry(I have several doctors who do not coordinate with each other at all.) He's the orthopaedist. He took me off the sling and said as far as he was concerned, I could do what I wanted to do include drive. He says it's making Ok progress and should all heal. See him in a month.
However, Dr. Kwan, the lung doctor has me under wraps until Oct. 28. I just got out the hospital Tuesday.
Other bad thing, perhaps the worst, is that the depression/anxiety is really bad. Anxiety grips me staring early PM and does not relent until I take a sleeping pill to go to bed. The Lexa-Pro has not kicked in yet. I wet today to Dr. Bannister, my psychologist and we worked on some issues. He wants me to see Dr. Mmungara, a psychiatrist who may be better able to find the right meds to help me. I have an appointment next Wednesday. Dr. Banister called Dr. McLaughlin, my internist to discuss this and Dr. McLaughlin is OK with it. I think he is tired of my anxiety any way.
So, that's where I am. I've lost a lot of weight and am trying to eat a little more, per Mim's fussing. I've got to get a handle on myself.
Spiritual issues - I'm withdrawing and not praying as much. I feel distant and removed from God. Perhaps that's one issue that I either blame Him or don't trust Him or don't like the outcome so far. I still want to just cope, but that may not be God's plan. I'm reading a book, believe it or not, The Shack by William P. Young. It's a very interesting view of God-come to Earth. I'm sorting out the theology of it but don't et a lot of it, but I'm staying with it.
Pray for my spiritual, emotional and physical health and for the healing of my home and relationship with Susan.
Thanks, everybody.
The good news is a good report from Dr. Thornberry(I have several doctors who do not coordinate with each other at all.) He's the orthopaedist. He took me off the sling and said as far as he was concerned, I could do what I wanted to do include drive. He says it's making Ok progress and should all heal. See him in a month.
However, Dr. Kwan, the lung doctor has me under wraps until Oct. 28. I just got out the hospital Tuesday.
Other bad thing, perhaps the worst, is that the depression/anxiety is really bad. Anxiety grips me staring early PM and does not relent until I take a sleeping pill to go to bed. The Lexa-Pro has not kicked in yet. I wet today to Dr. Bannister, my psychologist and we worked on some issues. He wants me to see Dr. Mmungara, a psychiatrist who may be better able to find the right meds to help me. I have an appointment next Wednesday. Dr. Banister called Dr. McLaughlin, my internist to discuss this and Dr. McLaughlin is OK with it. I think he is tired of my anxiety any way.
So, that's where I am. I've lost a lot of weight and am trying to eat a little more, per Mim's fussing. I've got to get a handle on myself.
Spiritual issues - I'm withdrawing and not praying as much. I feel distant and removed from God. Perhaps that's one issue that I either blame Him or don't trust Him or don't like the outcome so far. I still want to just cope, but that may not be God's plan. I'm reading a book, believe it or not, The Shack by William P. Young. It's a very interesting view of God-come to Earth. I'm sorting out the theology of it but don't et a lot of it, but I'm staying with it.
Pray for my spiritual, emotional and physical health and for the healing of my home and relationship with Susan.
Thanks, everybody.
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