Well, it's been weeks since the fall. Physically, I'm getting better, but psychologically, I've bottomed out. Long-standing anxiety has taken over me and holds me prisoner. For weeks now, I've been whining about it and begging God to fix me. Perhaps he will, perhaps He will not.
Well, I'll say this, I don't believe it yet, but I'll say it. Perhaps God is using this suffering to bring Glory to Himself. If that is so, I've not glorified Him very much yet and I confess that. I have rebelled and kicked and screamed and basically cried out, "why me, Lord, why me?"
Max Lucado's book, It's Not about me, addresses this very issue. I've been reading it today. He reminds me that whether I believe it or not, it's not about me. I am not the center of God's universe, God is. If God chooses for me to continue as I am and have all my plans and dreams end, then that is for His glory - but also, it is because He loves me more than I love myself.
For the most part, my prayers have been about me and my healing. Oh, I've had the occasional prayer for some sick friends, more out of duty than anything else, but as for me, it's been, "heal me, God." Well, maybe He will and maybe He won't.
My prayer to all you reading this (so far, I've 0 comments) is that I would learn to glorify God in my suffering and let it be about His glory - and nothing more. He is sovereign and I can trust that. I want to believe this even as I write it and as I say, I don't feel or believe yet, but I need to want to.
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1 comment:
Thank you for that honest post.
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