The Vision

Prologue to John’s 2010 Christmas Story. The real story.
Diary entry. Tuesday, 11-9-10.

Yesterday, during a deep conversation with a friend, I came face to face with a reality that I not faced before. I realized that I thought of myself poorly, I won’t describe it, it’s not worth the effort, for whatever reason in my childhood. The reason really doesn’t matter – whether it was my Mother’s domination or Grandmother’s judgmentalism or the desertion by my Father and thus, my growing up without a father. The point is that I have perceived that I am no good and evil and therefore must perform at perfection to be acceptable to someone.

That perfection does not allow for me to be human and have the same desires and make the same mistakes that other humans make. I must be either Nietzsche’s Superman or Camelot’s Lancelot’s perception of his own perfection or worse, perfect enough not to need a savior. Perhaps that is why I have such a difficult time accepting forgiveness.

My friend and I role-played. The friend played God/Jesus who asked me if I could accept His forgiveness. I said that I could not. He asked me why. I had difficulty with the answer, but it seems that my sin, my self-enemy, my “me” is just too bad to be salvaged.

In other words, God asked, “So you’re saying that your sin is so great that my grace cannot cover it?” “Yes,” I admitted. “So then what kind of a God do you believe in – one that is all powerful or one that is not powerful enough to forgive you?” If the latter is so, then He is not a God at all but a cosmic pretender and my badness is worse than His goodness.
Examine the facts. God created the Heavens and the Earth merely by speaking it – willing it - into existence. I have seen Him work in great and small things that only He could have done. I have seen Him heal the sick, raise the dead, give sight to the blind and make the lame to walk. And He has promised that if I will only trust Him, He will forgive me and wash me as white as snow.

It takes faith to accept this, but the evidence is that Grace is real and that it is greater than my sin and my imagined sin. Shall I crucify Christ again by refusing his grace-gift? What a dangerous course that would be and what a foolhardy course as against the great weight of the evidence.
Then tonight, I thought I would read Chapter 2 in Boa’s book.(1) It is filled with spiritual affirmations about not my goodness but my personhood and my right standing with God not based on my own merit but based on His love and amazing grace.

Then I thought of the song, “Amazing Grace” and felt how John Newton must have felt and how he must have shed tears when he penned the lines, “amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me/ I once was lost but now am found/ Was blind but now I see.”

And then, I had a vision from God, the role-played God, but God. In the vision, I was walking with my Father by a beautiful lake. He had on a plaid shirt, a ball cap and hiking boots. He had a pipe but I saw no smoke. I was once again a little boy about seven or eight years old and he had his arms around me and I felt more loved and secure than I have ever felt before. We talked and he showed me many things in nature and I looked on with wonderment.

But then I saw a snake and the snake struck at us and my Father reached out and caught it. The snake wrapped itself around him and they rolled around and fought on the ground. It was a gory and bloody battle to the death.

I saw the snake grow large and turn into a black and gold dragon that was huge. My Father held firmly and tightly around the snake’s neck until he broke its back with a snap. And then it was over.
My Father lay mortally wounded on the ground and I went to him. He reached out to me and I felt secure again. He said, “Don’t be afraid, I’ll always be with you and protect you. Nothing can ever harm you as long as you stay close to me.” Then he smiled and lay back down. As he did, I saw his spirit rise from him, a benevolent spirit which came to me and held me just as my Father had done.

Again, we walked and talked and enjoyed each other. He said, “We’ll have many places to go and many hills to climb, that’s why I have on hiking boots, but I’ll guide you and uphold you, you need never be afraid.” And we walked on through the woods and up hills.
We came to a very high mountain, as I have seen in Northern India in the Himalayas and we looked down at the valley below. He said, “All this is yours because all of it is mine, but more importantly, all the people there are yours, love them as I have loved you.”

Then we climbed some stairs through stone and masonry arches that appeared very old and perhaps were a ruin. At the top, he said, “I’ve got to go now, but I’ll always be with you. I love you. You are my son. Don’t be afraid.” And then he disappeared.

I stood there and looked and thought how precious he was to me and how he had saved me from the deadly dragon-snake at the cost of his own life. Yet, he lives on in me because I AM his son, his heir – the object of his affection. With such a blessing, how can refuse his grace gift?
Then I seemed not to remember my sin. All I remember is him and how his love made me feel. And all was quiet.

“Thank you, God, for this vision, this affirmation of who you are and who I am. I now know your love and power. Surely it is sufficient to cover my deepest woe. I trust You – I know so. AMEN.”
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(1)Conformed to His Image, by Kenneth Boa. Zondervan Press, 2001.